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Pat Keenor: New year's resolutions

By North Devon Journal  |  Posted: December 27, 2012

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YOU'RE still here then. Only I was wondering whether last week was going to be the last time we'd meet, what with the forecast of the end of the world on December 21.

I sat at my desk at the predicted time of 11.11am on Friday, waiting for The Big Bang. Nothing happened. The sky was clear of meteors and comets and no tidal waves swept across North Devon, although it subsequently got more than a little damp.

It was the Journal office party the night before so there were a few people at work who felt as if it were the end of the world – but that's a different story.

I was, of course, happy that the world had kept turning on its axis but a little upset that my decision not to buy any gifts for a Christmas day that would never materialise was doomed to failure.

So now it's nearly 2013 and I've started to worry about my new year resolutions.

I don't know why I bother. I know my vow to eat half a lettuce leaf and a pea every day until Keira Knightley is begging me to be her body double is doomed to failure.

My friend's vow to visit the gym at least twice a week will be once in a blue moon before the sweat has dried on her Nike vest.

My better half might resolve never to swear at the television again, but that resolution will be broken the next time a public figure says something he disagrees with.

My vow to be more patient when shopping in the supermarket and remember that not everyone is dashing around in their lunch hour will also fail. I'll still be swearing under breath at people dawdling in the aisles or taking too long to decide between turkey twizzlers or chicken nuggets.

It would be better, and a lot easier, if we all made resolutions we could definitely stick to.

I have therefore vowed to watch more television, read more trashy novels, neglect the garden, drink more red wine, talk embarrassingly loudly in the pub after a couple of gins and utter at least two sarcastic comments a day to my better half.

I can definitely stick to those.

Perhaps I could take the liberty of making up a few resolutions for other people:

George Osborne: "When I say 'we're all in it together' I really mean it and will make sure everyone pays their fair whack of tax. Oh, and David Cameron and I will ditch our exotic foreign holidays for a Butlin's mini-break, move into a little cottage in Staines and do our shopping at Lidls."

Chain stores: "When you have a query we will immediately get someone who knows the answer to talk to you, not leave you stranded with a 20-year-old with tattoos, a pierced nose and all the gumption of an amoeba."

Simon Cowell: "I will never make another television programme which makes tone deaf people think they can sing."

Footballers: "I will not fall to the ground and writhe around as if someone has taken an axe to my legs every time an opponent brushes lightly up against me."

Big Brother contestant: "I will not act as if I'm a star when all I am is desperate wannabe who acts more and more bizarrely in an attempt to get noticed."

I'm sure you all have your own resolutions. I'm not particularly religious but there is one resolution I wish everyone would keep to and that's to treat others as they want to be treated – it's an old idea, I know, but one that would make life more pleasant for everyone.

Happy new year.

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